Don't Go To Places You Hate! - Book Review: 'Captivate', by Vanessa Van Edwards
The Science of Succeeding with People
Pen (Blue): Waterman L’Essence du Bleu (EF) Fountain Pen - (review)
Pen (Ink): Waterman Sapphire Blue Cartridge
Pen (Black): OHTO Rays Flash Dry Gel Ballpoint Pen (0.5mm)
Paper: Fabriano Ecoqua Plus, A5 Lined 90gsm, 27 LPP (Lines Per Page)
Overview
The last book I read on improving my communication skills was in 1999. It was “How to Talk to Anyone” by Leil Lowndes (published in that same year).
It was a great book, but in late 2025, videos from Vanessa Van Edwards starting popping up on my YouTube feed around the same subject. As it had been so long since I had read anything on this topic, I thought I’d buy her book, ‘Captivate’ and get some more useful information (Captivate was first published in 2017).
I wrote nearly 27 pages of notes, and it was well worth the read as I got many useful tips to try out in daily life and at social / networking events. Below, I’ve written some of the best takeaways for me personally, although there are many more.
(Afterwards, I also re-read HTTTA as the principles in that book are timeless).
Key Points:
1. 🌆 Don’t go to places that make you unhappy
There are places where you will THRIVE, some that are NEUTRAL and others where you simply SURVIVE (i.e hate!)
If you want to succeed in life with other people, it is very important that you don’t go to events and places which make you unhappy. Go where you thrive, and your positivity there will automatically help you make meaningful connections and enjoy spending time with other like-minded people.
Over 10 years ago, I decided to stop attending almost all weddings, and night clubs, as I never enjoyed them. So when I read this tip in the book, I really thought about the locations where I thrived, some of which include being in nature, attending conferences / seminars, eating at nice restaurants and going for long lunches to mention a few. I also managed to add a few more to my “do not attend” list too, so this exercise was very useful.
2. 🍷 Be in the SOCIAL Zone
When you attend a conference or large social gathering, the particular spot where you spend most of your time will heavily impact the amount and type of people you will connect with.
The research in the book shows that one of the best places to stand is just at the exit from where people leave the bar. You will be rescuing them from drinking alone, and also it’s a perfect spot to start a conversation. The constant stream of people at that spot will help you move on quickly to someone else once the conversation naturally comes to an end.
3. ⛔ The 3 Things We All Want to Know About Someone New
This one made me smile because I instinctively knew all 3, but could never articulate them if I were asked. When we meet someone for the first time, humans want to quickly know these 3 things:
Are they a friend or foe?
Are they a winner or loser?
Are they an ally or enemy?
(I would argue that 1 and 3 are kind of the same perhaps? Maybe I’m missing something?).
4. ⚡ Conversational Sparks
Most conversations are boring because they start with things like “what do you do?”.
In order to be interesting, conversations need to have a dopamine hit to make them memorable. Here are some examples:
Ask “do you like wine / soup / X…” if they eating or drinking those things in front of you at a conference. More interesting than “what do you do?”.
Ask “what was the highlight of your morning / day”
“I noticed your bag is hand-woven, did you make it?”
Be different: give lemonade at work instead of coffee, send stickers instead of thank-you notes etc.
5. 🧵 Thread Theory
3 main categories of commonalities that you can pull at any time:
People – mutual friends and contacts (I think that’s why facebook grew so much!)
Context – you’re both at the same conference or both on LinkedIn
Interests – memberships / clothes / university or organisation
Even if someone went to a private school, you can ask them if they played any sports, or an instrument, to find common ground rather than focusing on differences.
6. 🌊 OCEAN Categories
Humans have 5 basic personality traits:
Openness – your approach to new ideas, how curious you are
Conscientiousness – your approach to getting things done: organisation, self-discipline
Extroversion – how you approach people e.g if you’re energised or drained from social situations
Agreeableness – how you approach co-operation and working with others
Neuroticism – how emotionally reactive you are to your environment
In order to connect better with people, you can ask specific questions based on whether someone is high or low in each of these categories.
Examples:
You can ask a person who is high on openness “do you have any big vacations coming up”.
Ask a person who is high on Conscientiousness “do you have any big projects coming up” and so on.
7. 💌 The 5 Love Languages… Adapt them for Work
Research by Dr. Gary Chapman shows that there are patterns in how couples show (or don’t show) affection towards each other:
Words of Affirmation: letters, texts, verbal
Gifts: flowers, sweets, jewellery
Physical touch
Acts of Service: cooking, running errands, crafting something
Quality Time: just to be in the presence of people they care about
Understanding what you, and others, are like can help everyone communicate and work with each other more harmoniously.
You can ask specific questions to determine which of these types a person is. E.g you can ask “what’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?”
In the workplace, if you like spending quality time with people, then working from home might not be the best thing for you.
If someone in the office if a Gift person, they may enjoy organising events and remembering their colleagues’ birthdays etc.
As nobody can read your mind, you need to help colleagues, bosses, and your friends & family to understand how to appreciate you.
(Important Note: guys, avoid any physical touch at work. See Bettina’s Substack).
8. 💵 Value
Each of us have a hierarchy of 6 needs:
Love
Service
Status
Money
Goods
Information
We often give more of the thing we want the most. We feel resentment if we don’t get it.
When you know what drives someone, interactions become much easier. If you want to motivate someone at work, appeal to them by focusing on what they value. Examples:
Someone who sucks up to the boss values status.
Someone who clocks off at 5:30pm values money.
Someone who always remembers peoples’ birthdays and plans office parties values service.
Note: What people value can be situational, e.g they value money all week, but they value service when volunteering for charity on weekends.
9. 📖 The Importance of Stories
Stories are important for humanity and connection. You can use 2 techniques: Story Hacking and Story Stacking to speed up connection with people.
Story Hacking - Vanessa gave an example of cold calling to raise funds for her University. She went from minimal or no donations to lots by simply starting each call by saying “I was wondering if you had a few minutes to reminisce about Emory (University)?”. That usually started a friendly conversation where the other person may start talking about their football team etc. This in turn made her enjoy her job more and raise more money.
Story Stacking - Use a simple formula to have a great conversation:
Trigger Topic - e.g current news, holidays, weather
Sparking Stories - how the trigger topic relates to you personally e.g meeting a celebrity in the news right now
Boomerang - ask the other person what’s the one news story / holiday / gift you’ll never forget?
10. 😭 Emotional Buy-In
Get emotional buy-in from people to inspire them to take action:
Tie to them – eg “do this because it benefits you in X way”
Tie to you - “it would mean a lot to me if you did X”
Tie to us: - “charter schools create better world leaders”
Instead of asking for help or favours directly, ask people about their skill sets:
Is anyone good at …X?
Do you know anything about…X?
I need someone who is strong with … X
This makes tasks skills-orientated vs duty-orientated. Focus on the former to turn their emotional buy-in into action.
11. 😐 Be Vulnerable, But Don’t be a People Pleaser
The right type of vulnerability is attractive, it humanises us. Trying to be perfect is boring, and also exhausting.
Ask for advice: it admits a gap in your knowledge, and therefore creates a genuine / authentic request for help.
You don’t have to defend, debate, or explain your feelings. Not everyone can be helped, so don’t be a people pleaser.
12. 👏 Popularity and Belonging
Standford study: most likeable students also liked the most other people. They did this by smiling at others more than others (2x the amount). The key to becoming more popular is to… like more people!
Some ways to do this:
Start and end phone calls/emails with “I’m so happy you called/emailed”
End an interaction with “I so enjoyed spending time with you”
Invite people to sit with you at lunch / parties / conferences
Make people feel welcome when they join your table / meeting / group
As people leave, thank them and tell them you appreciate their time
Conclusion
There is one desire we all share: we all want to feel valued.
UCLA researchers found that physical pain and social rejection activate the same parts of the brain.
Curiosity is a cure all to this: ask people about their interests and motivations.
Being curious is one of the best ways to show people that you like them.